Friday Quiz special
Ruth Spencer is a great friend of this little newsletter, and a great writer of funny lines, and a great friend.
When our daughter was a young teen, keen to see the Arctic Monkeys, Ruth kindly offered to be her chaperone, and a big sister relationship was born.
Ruth was great for Mary-Margaret and Mary-Margaret is great for everyone; what more could you want? In her last year in high school she got keen for standup and so naturally she turned to her big sister comedian friend who had stood at the mic, written the lines and coolly observed that world and the people in it. They were a great collaboration.
Then life took them in other directions. Ruth and Radar had a baby girl, Mary-Margaret went out into the world. But we were with her a little while ago and she did something on an impulse for the camera that I just had to send to Ruth and their own daughter who reminds us so much of ours when she was a tween. It was a warm moment.
This is all by way of introducing today’s guest writer of the Friday quiz; and also just to say to Ruth: you rule.
I asked if she’d like to do a quiz based on their new book, and just like that, here we are. You can get it at all good bookshops and Paper Plus too, if that’s easier.
Friday Quiz - a Kiwi Country special
1. What is responsible for up to 50% of all eye injuries?
a. Accidentally viewing the Hobson’s Pledge TikTok feed
b. Mixing up the Systane and Superglue bottles
c. Opening the air fryer drawer too suddenly and taking a rogue chicken nugget to the face
d. Bungee cords
2. Which of these is NOT the name of a currently available duck hunting decoy?
a. The Pulsator Pro
b. The Flocking Flasher
c. The David Seymour
d. The Agitator 2.0 Max
3. Dunny, outhouse, longdrop - choose a new euphemism for the outdoor toilet
a. The Comment Section
b. The Economy
c. The Pumpkin Spice Latte
d. The only thing we could afford around here but the schools are good
4. What happens when you bury a Swanndri?
a. Nothing. Old Swanndri’s don’t die, they just evolve into rags, tractor seat cushions and memories of itchy warmth
b. At peace, its work done, its natural wool fibre biodegrades and returns to the earth
c. It rises from the grave every Halloween as the ghost of the jobs you haven’t gotten around to yet
d. A Swanndri tree grows, but they’re really hard to water
5. “The appearance it presents is that of a large sponge oozing milk from very numerous pores”. What is this quote from 1936 describing?
a. The latest croissant/donut/crème brûlée mashup they’re selling in Ponsonby for $14
b. A cross-section of a cow’s udder
c. Adolescent skin problems that make all those teenage romances like Romeo and Juliet and The Summer I Turned Pretty so implausible
d. The POTUS
6. Which of these fun facts is NOT from Kiwi Country: Rural New Zealand in 100 Objects?
a. A dog whistle can also be called a fipple flute, just not around the stockyards where anyone might hear you
b. Freeze branding can’t brand pigs or birds but it can brand a dolphin, if that’s what you’re into
c. Taylor Swift’s music video for The Fate of Ophelia references classic paintings of Ophelia and The Odyssey by Heyser, Waterhouse, Etty and Millais so maybe art history is relevant to the kids after all idk
d. The Red Band gumboot comprises 19 individual pieces with varying strength and flexibility depending on the job each has to do in the boot
7. Which of these is NOT the name of a New Zealand creek from the Gazetteer of New Zealand Place Names (1968)?
a. Mailman Creek
b. Hopeless Creek
c. Frying Pan Creek
d. Birthday Creek
e. Shortland Creek
8. Which of these fates befell the Matarawa Swing Bridge in 1898?
a. It was washed away by logging slash in a dramatic flood
b. 78 locals of varying ages got on it at once for a ‘ridey-pidey’ bounce session and broke it
c. It was the site of the first ever traffic jam in the Wairarapa when two bullock teams entered the bridge from opposite ends
d. It didn’t swing and was returned to the manufacturer for a full refund
9. Apple or Politician?
a. Chutney Mike
b. Nontit Bastard
c. Hens Turd
d. The Jazz Premier
10. Given the state of the health system, it’s time we self-medicated. Which of these is NOT an onion-based home remedy recommended in New Zealand newspapers?
a. Eat a whole baked onion at bedtime for insomnia. At the very least this prevents being awoken by restless bedfellows. Also: bedfellows.
b. Drink the juice of an onion for Whooping Cough. No need for proven medical science when you can just squeeze an allium!
c. Strap a hot, boiled onion to your ear for earache; also helps if you’re experiencing a deficiency in public humiliation
d. Fry a slice of onion and put it between pieces of cloth; apply to areas of rheumatism. Doubles as a handy snack.
e. All of the above
Answers
1. What is responsible for up to 50% of all eye injuries?
d. Bungee cords. The little hooks are not the friend of grommets they promise to be.
2. Which of these is NOT the name of a currently available duck hunting decoy?
c. The David Seymour. Ducks are not yet proven to be attracted to him.
3. Dunny, outhouse, longdrop - choose a new euphemism for the outdoor toilet
Any. Euphemisms are personal and your own choice is correct. Please submit other options in the comments.
4. What happens when you bury a Swanndri?
b. They’ve buried one to see what would happen and it rotted. So weird the way it didn’t break down into nanoplastics and enter our bloodstreams like normal clothes. What will they think of next?
5. “The appearance it presents is that of a large sponge oozing milk from very numerous pores”. What is this quote from 1936 describing?
c. Cross-section of a cow’s udder. Sorry. The rest of that chapter on milking clusters is much nicer, I promise. There’s a cow called Daisy in it and no one cross-sections her udders.
6. Which of these fun facts is NOT from Kiwi Country: Rural New Zealand in 100 Objects?
c. Taylor Swift is not in the book. They wouldn’t let me.
7. Which of these is NOT the name of a New Zealand creek from the Gazetteer of New Zealand Place Names (1968)?
e. Shortland Creek. There was a time when you could just call a creek anything and someone would write it in an actual Government book.
8. Which of these fates befell the Matarawa Swing Bridge in 1898?
b. They had a ridey-pidey and broke it. People were very cross about it in the newspaper but you make your own fun in 1800s Wairarapa and you can only imagine how much bounce force 78 determined locals can generate.
9. Apple or Politician?
Chutney Mike: Politician. Muldoon called Mike Moore this when he tried to promote NZ lamb.
Nontit Bastard: Apple, regretfully
Hens Turd: Ditto
The Jazz Premier: Although the Jazz is a fine apple born and bred here, this name was given to Gordon Coates, who was hip with the kids in the 1920s.
10. Which of these is NOT an onion-based home remedy recommended in New Zealand newspapers?
These are all onion-based home remedies recommended in local newspapers. Please use only as directed and ask your doctor if Onion is right for you.
