1. What sort of numbers did Old Mate Grabaseat get in Tuesday’s confidence vote?
a. Ringing endorsement! Bloody every single one of them! Sir, yes sir!
b. Close, but he got there in the end by reminding them their only other options were even more shit
c. We don’t know, we were not told
d. 50 Big Macs, 32 Quarter Pounders and 56 large fries
2. What did the Prime Minister do after Tuesday’s confidence vote?
a. Invited all the media into the caucus room for a big spread of McDonalds and a totally legit show of unity
b. Came down to the Beehive theatrette and held a ninety five minute Ask Me Anythingpress conference
c. Put out a fresh Tik Tok of himself gurning at the camera and being real
d. Snuck out a side door with Nicola Willis, leaving even their staff wondering what was going on
3. Who said: The left are full of woke self confessed communists who would turn our country into a basket case?
a. Little Lord Plastic Toys of Coatesville
b. Troy How dare you print that leftist filth in a business publication Bowker
c. Matthew Hold my hammer I need to sort out the commies Hardcastle
d. Winston Fifty years a slave to headlines Peters
4. Who derided a Free Trade Agreement with India as a Butter Chicken Tsunami?
a. Nigel Farage
b. Shane Jones
c. Donald Trump
d. JD Vance
5. A touching and intimate campaign trail portrait in the back issues of this publication has Paul Goldsmith saying what to John Banks?
a. Thank you sir may I have another
b. Love means never having to say you’re Tory
c. Here’s Johnny
d. Tin of cocoa tin of cocoa coathanger teatowel
6. Where was this old photo taken?
a. Porkchop Hill, Aokautere
b. Menzies Ford, Colyton
c. London Ford, Oroua
d. Fox Glacier, West Coast
7. What sobriquet has Kash Patel earned for his behaviour as FBI Director ?
a. The Wolf of Wall St
b. The Ghost Who Walks
c. J Edgar Boozer
d. Eyes Wide Shut
8. Chris Bishop concluded a speech about infrastructure this week, by saying it would be remiss of him not to address the elephant in the room. What was the elephant?
a. Two thirds of Cabinet thinks AI stands for artificial insemination
b. National, Natural Party of Business™, has been given the most embarrassing credit downgrade since Muldoon was running the joint
c. His continuing failure to pull off a simple coup
d. The Strait of Hormuz ramifications
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9. Nicola Willis said the downgrade of New Zealand’s fiscal outlook from “stable” to “negative” by credit agency Moody’s was what?
a. Proof that she’s right
b. The quiet hint she was looking for
c. A warning in letters ten feet high that she’s been doing Finance Ministering all wrong
10. Where was this old photo taken?
a. Wellington
b. Auckland
c. Christchurch
d. Ashburton
Answers
1. What sort of numbers did Old Mate Grabaseat get in Tuesday’s confidence vote?
c. We don’t know, we were not told
2. What did the Prime Minister do after Tuesday’s confidence vote?
d. Snuck out a side door with Nicola Willis leaving even their staff wondering what was going on.
Nothing says winner full of confidence like sneaking out the back way and holding a ninety-seconds-no-questions-you-guys standup to let them know you have the full support of your caucus and btw learn to be proper reporters, later, losers.
3. Who said: The left are full of woke self confessed communists who would turn our country into a basket case?
d. Winston Fifty years a slave to headlines Peters
Here’s what he posted on social media this week
Four years ago in 2022, a full year before the last election, we ruled out working with the Labour Party. We did that because the left are full of woke self confessed communists who would turn our country into a basket case. Nothing has changed. In fact they are even worse. No, we won’t do a deal with Labour or their Marxist and separatist mates.
4. Who derided a Free Trade Agreement with India as a Butter Chicken Tsunami?
b. Shane Jones
We all know NZ First as the truly transactional Retail Political Party. You get Shane Jones along to your luncheon, you pop the wine and oysters in here, the policy comes out there.
But occasionally, it seems, Matua Shane can still have thoughts of his own, comingerupting into the body politic unbidden et cetera. These he will be happy to blurt, gratis and unprompted, to the delight of bigots everywhere.
That would be one way to look at this week’s blurts. Another would be that he senses something, a response to the arrival here in the past decade or so of of a million new people. This little newsletter is a great enthusiast for diversity, and the many enriching benefits it bestows upon a society. But the NZ First brand is built upon a more glowering and wary disposition. Thus Butter Chicken Tsunami.
Cynical business as usual then, perhaps. However, might we also judge that Shane is losing his touch? Because Butter Chicken is arguably the curry of choice for people who only like foreign muck if it tastes like the bland stuff they usually go for. Think you might be dissing the wrong side there, buddy?
5. A touching and intimate campaign trail portrait in the back issues of this publication has Paul Goldsmith saying what to John Banks?
a. Thank you sir may I have another
Go to Grammar. Sir addresses the assembly last. Congratulates them for ditching NCEA and encourages them to bring back caning. Tears up a little as he starts reminiscing about the way things were before we got all PC. Offers a demonstration and before I know where we are, I’m down on all fours again taking a thrashing and crying out Thank You Sir May I Have Another. Boys are well behaved but I can tell by the way they’re squirming they’re dying to applaud.
The full piece is here
National professes to have only been supporting the Treaty Principles bill because they failed to negotiate it out of the coalition agreement. But bugger me if they didn’t come along this week and act like they were fully into it. Treaty references are getting stripped left right and centre out of our legislation and who’s running this nasty business? Step forward loyal soldier Paul Goldsmith, always happy to quietly do the dirty work, no fuss, no bother, no qualms whatsoever.
6. Where was this old photo taken?
d. Fox Glacier, West Coast
7. What sobriquet has Kash Patel earned for his behaviour as FBI Director ?
c. J Edgar Boozer
8. Chris Bishop concluded a speech about infrastructure this week, by saying it would be remiss of him not to address the elephant in the room. What was the elephant?
d. The Strait of Hormuz ramifications
What he said was: Before wrapping up, it would be remiss of me not to address the Strait of Hormuz - sized elephant in the room. He went on to say that the Iran conflict has sent diesel prices soaring, which matters because 80% of NZ’s bus fleet runs on diesel. He said they’re working with PT authorities to assess whether additional support is needed.
Meanwhile on the revenue side, higher prices are suppressing fuel consumption, which means they’re pulling in less petrol tax, which means the money they can spend on MOAR ROADS IS SHRINKING. A prioritisation exercise is underway he said. Ie: we’re putting all the roads we promised in a pipeline and the pipeline’s gonna get longer.
Jeez Wayne. Talk about seeing an opportunity as a problem. This is the mode shift signal transport planners dream of.
But of course without meaningful PT investment to absorb that demand, the opportunity evaporates. A government willing to borrow and invest could convert this from a fuel cost problem into a fleet electrification solution. Borrowing to invest in rapid transit is standard practice for serious transport systems everywhere. But this government just keeps intoning you can’t borrow and spend like there isn’t a difference between borrowing to sustain your tax cuts and breaks for landlords and borrowing to invest in a future of clean abundant energy. And so they talk about stacking up a 20-year pipeline of highway projects, because in their vision of the future nothing ever changes and when this blip is over everyone just goes back to driving.
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9. Nicola Willis said the downgrade of New Zealand’s fiscal outlook from “stable” to “negative” by credit agency Moody’s was what?
a. Proof that she’s right
She said it was another warning that we can’t afford to simply spend more and borrow more, and validates the Government’s approach. Please refer back to the answer to Question 8 exploring their myopia about borrowing and their incapacity to imagine any kind of a bigger better future we might invest in.
10. Where was this old photo taken?
a. Wellington, including the Majestic Theatre where we used to go to the Sunday double movies and once saw Tom Petty play. Good times.
AOC photo of the week
Climate crisis photo of the week, Wellington. For thoughts on what the hell to do, please refer back to Questions 8 and 9.
Something to do in the Seaside Village! Loyal reader and bloody talented artist Neil Coleman has a show at the newish Alive Works gallery at 83 Victoria Rd, starting 23rd April and going to 3rd May. Neil has lived mostly in the Birkenhead BeachHaven side of the Shore but he was born here in Buchanan St. This is the first showing of some of his Devonport images. Worth your time.
