The good times are never over.
Even though there will never be another chance to see the actual Beatles or the legit Led Zep or the real Pink Floyd, you can still get almost the real thing. Take a bow, tribute acts of the world! Thank you for your service, nobly stepping up to the mic to make it almost like being there. Thanks to you, most towns are never more than a month away from the next Pink Floyd Experience. There is no dark side of the moon, really.
Which brings us to politics and the Prime Minister. What an odd little sawn-off statesman he makes, cowering beneath his desk, afraid to come out and face the likes of Tova O’Brien! She just wouldn’t play ball and ask a proper question like:
What do you have written down on your talking points there, Prime Minister, would you like to read them out for us?
or
What have you been watching lately??
or
Want to show us what’s new on your Spotify??
Nature abhors a vacuum. Politics abhors a vacuum cleaner salesman. I see a gap to be filled by a cowering Prime Minister. I propose we fill it with a tribute act: The Chris Luxon Experience.
Want the Prime Minister to turn up and say with a straight face that the country was a basket case, but they’re working as hard as anyone has ever worked to fix it?
Want to hear him explain how this is going to be the best little country in the world to bring up English-speaking kids?
Just put in a booking for The Chris Luxon Experience. Our Chris Luxons have shaved their heads and stuffed themselves into a too-small suit and they’re ready to give non-answers to any question you want to ask!
Want to go to a fancy dinner like Matthew Horncastle but don’t like the idea of paying ten grand so that you can let the country know what sort of know-nothing you are?
We’ve got you, friend. For $19.99 per head, our Chris Luxon will meet you for dinner at McDonalds and tell you about everything his government has cancelled, or stopped in its tracks, or just run into the ditch, and answer all the questions you’d like to see him answer on the TV if he wasn’t so scared of Tova or Jack.
Watch his face go all possum in the headlights when you ask him what they’re doing about things!
Try the fuel crisis!
Try the cost of living!
Try the Cook Strait ferry!
Ask him why they keep dumping the likes of the Broadcasting Standards Authoritywhen they’ve got nothing to take its place!
Ask him to explain why our kids need to go back to being taught that white people came here and rescued the Māori savages from themselves!
Ask him what problem is being solved by making English an official language?
Watch him tie himself in knots trying to answer without saying “Winston Peters” or “White Supremacism” or “Feckless Negligence and Disregard” or “letting hate speech become normalised”
If you really want some fun, ask him to give one example of something he’s done to tackle the climate crisis, or advance gay rights since he was at Air New Zealand being an astroturfing champion of those things.
For an extra $100 we can also give you Old Mate Real Talk: where Chris talks about how important it is to be SORTED, and how important it is to look after your mates who are SORTED, because they’re the ones who put you here in the first place.
Be sure to say to him: But what if all the things you’re doing are going to make it impossible for most ordinary people to ever get SORTED like you and your mates, or even just sorted decently enough to live an ordinary life?
His blank uncomprehending stare will be priceless. A performance you will never forget.
Cheers to reader Finlay who writes: I did not know these two ever duetted let alone on a Bob Marley cover. Same! Originals, all of them.
