The Book of Cars

Chapter 1

Now in the land of the Kiwi blokes and also the Kiwi sheilas,

there came an minister

And this minister was not an holy man

But rather he was an man of an Unholy Alliance

And this was an alliance between the men who liked to build things and the government known as National

And the minister did say,

we’re going to get stuck in and build an unholy amount of motorways

And also he did say,

because motorways and cars equal freedom

And the kiwi blokes and also the kiwi sheilas did nod at this

And they did say unto each other,

motorways and cars equal freedom

[Auckland Trams] - Museum of Transport and Technology, New Zealand

Chapter 2

And they did turn their back on the old ways

And they did do this even though the old ways were good

Because you could get on an tram on Dominion Road

and go all the way to Farmers

And also you could go to the DIC

And also to the boozer mate

for some rugby and some racing and some beer

or if you preferred,

some beer and some racing and some rugby

For these were simpler times

And you could sit and read your newspaper or your book or your Best Bets

And you would worry not about the driving

And neither would you worry about the congestion

For this was the problem of some other bastard

And the tram did run upon electricity

And also did it run in Wellington

And in Christchurch also did it carry multitudes

Chapter 3

And the little kiwi blokes and also the little kiwi sheilas

did make their way to school by bicycle

And it was good

And they did partake of healthy exercise.

And also did they not suffer, the little children

For they did cycle in multitudes, and you would have to be some sort of absolute no-hoper to drive badly around the wee kiddies

Chapter 4

Now,

many were the roads built by the Unholy Alliance

And many were the cars purchased by the kiwi blokes and sheilas in order to go forward

And many were the drivers that did hurtle upon these roads

And seatbelts wore they none

And liquor did they guzzle

And an unholy mess did it become

But they did say unto one another,

ever mind the carnage we love our freedom and we love our roads

And also did they wail and lament,

Look at the state of this traffic. We need more roads is what we need

And the Unholy Alliance did build ever more roads

And the Kiwis did buy ever more cars.

Chapter 5

Now, there came one day an Prime Minister

And Muldoon was his name

And he was not as other politicians

For he was sore wrathful

And also was he sore cunning

And it was said of Muldoon that you did not cross him if you knew what was bloody good for you

Chapter 6

And there came too an shock

And Oil Price was its name

And Muldoon did say unto the people:

Well, the Mad Arabs have turned off the tap

And also did he say,

The price of petrol is eating into our freedom

And the people did say unto each other,

You’re not bloody kidding look what it cost me to fill the V8 Charger

And Muldoon did declare,

From now on no driving on Sundays for anybody

And also on one other day of the week,

according to your numberplate

And there was much wailing and rending of garments

And some did obey

And some did cover their numberplates with cardboard

And also did they skulk about in their vehicles as thieves unto the night

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Chapter 7

And Muldoon did also declare,

Obviously we can’t be left depending on Mad Arabs so we’re going to Think Big and get self sufficient with you know, hydro dams and synthetic petrol and a refinery whatnot

And also did he declare, Think Big, National for Growth

And the oil crisis did pass

And the people did forget whatever the lesson was sorry mate I was watching the Test

And they did return unto to their cars

And the motorways did continue to multiply

Roger Douglas - Alchetron, The Free Social Encyclopedia

Chapter 8

And it came to pass that Muldoon was cast down

For the money he had borrowed to Think Big was an shitload

Chapter 9

And a new prophet did arise

And Roger was his name

And he did come saying,

Listen, we love our freedom right?

Well so does the market, so we’re gonna set that free as well and we’ll be absolutely rolling in it no worries

And also did he say,

So we’re gonna deregulate everything

And the people did stare at him blankly

And Roger did explain,

It means you can import whatever the bloody hell you like

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Chapter 10

And lo, from across the ocean came untold ships

And with Toyotas and Mazdas and Nissans and Hondas and also Subarus were they laden

And they were an bargain mate, look at the price it even has electric windows!

And the people did rejoice

For now could they afford two cars, even three cars

And some did buy even four

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Chapter 11

And it came to pass that the Kiwi blokes and sheilas did have more cars per capita than almost any nation upon the earth

And the people did say, This is freedom

And also did they say, This is progress

And the roads did groan sore loud under the weight of the cars

And the Unholy Alliance did say, More roads, obviously

Chapter 12

Now through these years there came an drumbeat

And the drumbeat did say,

Global Warming you guys

And there came an great many scientists with worry upon their faces saying,

Listen, TLDR we’re rooted if we don’t stop burning petrol in these cars

And some did hearken to this saying,

Perhaps we should worry about this

Perhaps we should try solar panels

And also electric vehicles

And maybe we could ride bikes more often

And the Unholy Alliance did sneer

And also did the petrolheads sneer

And they did say,

Solar panels are for hippies

And electric vehicles are for woke Wellington bureaucrats

And bikes are for children and also for poor people who cannot afford real transport

And they did mock those who worried, saying greenies and also tree-huggers

And also did they say,

The sky is not falling

And

Climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese

Or possibly by the UN

We forget which

And the treehuggers did try and try again to explain,

If you try some of these alternatives

you could save thousands and thousands of dollars

and you’d have a way to get around if the petrol runs out

But the sneering abated not

U.S. President Donald Trump arrives at Joint Base Andrews

Chapter 13

But then did an Unholy War break out

And the oil price did shoot up like an rocket

And also did supplies run low

And the kiwi peoples did cry out

For it did cost them an hundred and forty dollars to fill the Ranger

Chapter 14

And they did come wailing and rending garments saying,

The fuck??

And also,

What now??

And the government did say,

We might have to look at cough carless days cough

And the people did say,

Oh FFS what have you been doing you absolute clowns you’re supposed to be business geniuses have you not been thinking ahead for us?

And they did sit in their cars

and they did wait for something to happen

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Discussion about this post

Mac Stevenson Mac’s Substack Mar 15

What a wonderfully perceptive read to start the day. Thank you David as usual. Verily you do maketh a heap of sense with some e-bike thrown in the mix.

LIKE (13)REPLY SHARE B Insull B Insull Mar 15

Brilliant history lesson thanks David. Next lesson please on why we can only eat Chinese and Chilean food from the freezer and why our food farmers fell broke.

LIKE (9)REPLY SHARE 17 more comments...Preparing yourself Sunday columnSEP 4, 2022 • DAVID SLACK160701