It is the summer holidays for Kia Kaha primary school!
Summer holidays are when the sky is blue
and you lie in the sun
until you’re so hot you have to get into the water
and then you come out and lie in the sun again
and you just basically do that all day.
And the grownups will say,
Hot enough for you Blair, fancy a cold one?
And Blair will say,
Can’t see why not, sun has to be over the yardarm somewhere,
and it just goes on like that forever.
But it is not like that this summer.
The sky is not blue.
The days are not baking.
This is because of all the rain.
And the gray.
And the wind.
Henry’s Mum says,
Well, it’s a shame.
But never mind, we still have all our books and our devices.
Henry’s Dad says,
Well, you say that,
but then I read you out something from Facebook that’s just spot-on
and you all bloody spit the dummy.
Henry’s Mum says,
That’s because it was wrong from start to finish, Callum.
And maybe if you had stopped to ask yourself what would happen
if you read out a caption that says:
these Ardern noodleheads have no clue where our food comes from
you wouldn’t have spoiled a perfectly nice bbq.
Henry’s Dad says,
Oh come on, how was it wrong?
Henry’s Mum says,
Well it was about empty egg shelves in the supermarkets right?
Right, says Henry’s Dad.
And that’s because when your idol John Key was in charge,
they changed the standards for chicken farming,
and so the farmers changed their practices,
says Henry’s Mum,
but then the supermarkets said ‘actually we need it to be more free range than that’.
And so then a whole lot of farmers said 'we already changed things at great expense and now you’re asking us to change again, that’s it I’m out’.
And you know what, I only want to buy free range.
You know that, Callum.
And I don’t see what’s so wrong with that.
But anyway, all I’m saying is how in God’s name does this get to be Jacinda’s fault?
Henry’s Dad says,
It’s just that they have no clue because they’re so woke.
They have no idea how farming works.
Or maybe they do, enough, but they can see the writing on the wall,
says Henry’s Mum,
and they’re trying to get farming to change so that it doesn’t get left behind.
Have you thought about that?
Henry’s Dad says,
Maybe you can’t change that fast without going broke.
Have you thought about that?
Maybe this is another of those things where the are no great options,
you just have to find the least painful one.
Have you thought about that?
says Henry’s Mum.
It is not fun when there is rain and wind
and the sky hasn’t been blue for ages
and your Mum and Dad are not pleased with each other.
Henry says,
Hey Dad I think I can hear those guys with the car loudspeakers coming back,
will you be having another quiet word with them?
At Tahlia’s place the courier has dropped off a parcel for Tahlia’s Dad!
Tahlia’s Dad is always getting things delivered.
Getting things delivered is a good way to take your mind off summer not happening.
Tahlia’s Dad is unboxing the parcel!
It is an iOpener!
Tahlia asks,
What does an iOpener do, Dad?
Tahlia’s Dad says,
It opens up iPhones and iPads and actually any old smartphone or tablet.
It gently heats everything up so you can pry the screen off.
Why would you want to do that? asks Nan.
So we can do all our repairs ourselves,
says Tahlia’s Dad.
You wouldn’t believe how much the repair places charge, Mum.
Nan says,
Whoever thinks of these things?
Tahlia’s Dad says,
There’s a site called iFixit.
It has instructions for fixing anything at all - radar detectors, alarm clocks, VR headsets, golf carts.
You name it, they’ve got a video and a tool kit for it.
Do you want to see me fix Toni’s iPhone camera?
Tahlia’s Mum says,
This had better not lose my photos, Jarrod.
Tahlia picks up the list of contents and reads them out:
KIT CONTENTS
Spudger
Opening Picks (Set of 6)
Battery Blocker
Suction Handle
Precision Bit Driver with Integrated SIM Eject Tool
Tweezer
Everyone is laughing about spudger.
It is five days later.
There are pieces of iPhone 13 Pro Max all over the kitchen table.
Tahlia’s Mum is not very pleased with Thalia’s Dad.
She says,
Five days, Jarrod. Five days.
Is it really worth being that much of a tightarse, do you think?
Tahlia says,
Hey Mum, Henry’s Dad is walking over to the kids in the car again, want to watch?
It is very quiet at Moana’s place.
Everyone is reading their books or their devices,
or getting ChatGPT to write a story about a summer where the sun is always shining.
Moana’s Dad looks up and says,
Well here’s the tweet I was waiting for.
Someone called Frank has written:
Four weeks is way too little leave.
Need to start a campaign for 8 weeks and aggressively tar anyone who opposes it as joyless wowsers.
Moana’s Mum says,
You know what, he’s not wrong.
We all spend way too much time at work.
The priorities are all out of whack.
But I’m not sure I could take eight weeks of sitting inside like this.
Moana’s Dad says,
It’s just a bit of mediocre start, Claire.
It’ll be better soon, bet you.
Moana’s Mum says,
Yeah I guess.
But at least promise me we don’t have to do another bbq with Callum.
