It is the summer holidays!
Everyone is on holiday.
Except for the nurses and the doctors at the hospitals.
They are looking after people with covid and cancer and cockroaches in their ears.
And except for Chris Hipkins.
Chris Hipkins says,
Just FYI, I can be available for a press conference if it's absolutely necessary
And except for Chris Bishop.
Chris Bishop says,
Look FYI, I can give you a press release even if it serves no earthly purpose whatsoever
But it is still the summer holidays for lots of people.
The summer holidays is the time when you can have bare feet all day long.
The summer holidays is the time when you can be at the beach in the sun all day long.
The summer holidays is the time when you can lie down on your towel all day with the dry horrors and quietly ask yourself what the hell you are doing with your life.
Jarrod is lying on the beach.
Jarrod has bare feet and the dry horrors.
Jarrod is thinking about his double cab ute.
Jarrod likes his double cab ute very much.
Jarrod doesn't believe all the stuff they say about people choosing their car for what it says about them.
But if he did, he thinks what his ute would probably say about him would be,
Jarrod totally rules
This morning Jarrod had to stop his ute at the pedestrian crossing.
Jarrod had to stop because the man and the lady at the pedestrian crossing waited until he had stopped his ute and then walked out in front of him.
The man looked at the number plate on Jarrodâs ute all the way across the pedestrian crossing like he had some problem with him or something.
Jarrod said to himself,
fuckâs your problem pal.
But he didn't say it out loud.
Katy would have said,
honestly Jarrod let it go.
Jarrod is wondering if itâs getting to the point where a man can't drive his ute without some commie looking at you like youâre doing something wrong.
Jarrod's head wonât stop throbbing.
James is lying on his towel on the beach.
He has just had a lovely swim because the water was lovely.
But this makes James sad.
James is sad because he knows why the water is lovely.
There was a report yesterday that said,
sorry but the planet is still getting cooked like you wouldnât believe, thanks to coal power stations and Jarrodâs ute.
It is Jamesâ job to look at these reports and try to get people to do something about it.
James wonders if it would be easier just to stay at the beach this year.
James did not have anything to drink last night.
But Jamesâ head will not stop throbbing either.
Prime Minister Boris is lying on the beach.
What is Prime Minister Boris doing lying on Kia Kaha beach in the sun?
He is here in a dream.
He is finding it harder and harder to get people to swallow his barefaced lies.
So he is dreaming of being in boring old New Zealand instead, gazing at a fruity bit of totty in a bikini and going whooar.
Who is that next to him in the dream lying on a towel in the sun with no sweat oozing off him?
It is Prince Andrew!
Prince Andrew was the one people used to quite like.
But everyone who comes along the beach is making a great big detour around Prince Andrew.
No-one says poor Andrew.
Not even to themselves.
Who is the man hiding under his towel muttering into a Telegram machine?
It is Damien.
Damien likes to go on the internet and tell people about all the enemies of the state he is going to get convicted and executed in war trials for giving people vaccines.
Damien is frightened someone will see him under the towel.
So he is wearing a mask with horn rimmed glasses and a moustache and a big plastic nose.
Will someone see him and go,
hey Damien, are you a marxist now?
It would be awkward if they ask that because Damien doesnât actually know what a marxist is.
Damien just uses it as a word to accuse someone of genocide.
Also Damien has no sense of humour.
It is very hot under Damienâs towel.
It will probably make Damien throb.
Bernard is on his towel in warm sun.
But Bernard is feeling a cold chill.
When Bernard is not on the beach, he uses his computer to look at all the numbers that tell us what our houses cost now.
Bernard can hardly bear to look at his computer these days.
Bernard wonders if he might stay at the beach this year.
But Bernard is a Substack writer.
If you are a Substack writer you feel you owe it to your readers to keep writing the truth no matter how unhappy it is.
He hopes we don't find it so depressing this year that we just give up.
Shayne is lying on his towel.
Shayne is supposed to be chillaxing.
But Shayne can't keep still.
Shayne keeps tapping notes into his phone then sitting up and looking for sharks.
Shayne taps a note that says,
Wedding: Zoom Whaleoil 3.pm, 4pm, 5pm
Shayne taps a note that says,
Wedding: Illuminati?
Shayne taps a note that says,
Wedding: Pizzagate?
Shayne sits up and looks again for sharks.
Shayne is too busy to look up for asteroids.
He is going to feel silly when he has to ring up Newshub to ask for footage of the asteroid wiping out Whaleoil in his ute.
