It is night time at Chantelle Bakerâs house.
Poor Chantelle is very tired!
Chantelle has been very busy being a radio host on the internet and making people say get a load of what sheâs saying now can you freaking believe this?
Chantelle Baker is going to have just one more Toffee Pop and watch just two more hours of Married at First Sight.
It is good to have some me-time after a long day on the internet going me me me woke woke woke me me me.
It is supposed to be night time at Chantelle Bakerâs house.
So why is there light shining into her lounge like it is the middle of the day?
Is former news reader and Reality Check Radio host Peter Williams playing a prank on Chantelle?
Is former news reader and Reality Check Radio host Paul Brennan playing a prank on Chantelle?
Is one of the others on Reality Check Radio you never heard of playing a prank on her?
No! It is God!
God is shining his everloving light on Chantelle!
What an honour this is for Chantelle!
And also for Reality Check Radio!
But mostly Chantelle.
Are you there Chantelle? It's me, God
says God.
Chantelle is feeling a little bit confused!
She canât remember the words to say and what order to say them in.
Meeting God is a bit like being on the radio!
Hello your Godness,
says Chantelle.
I'm so glad you're here,
says Chantelle,
things are really really bad.
The West is being systematically dismantled via
woke agendas,
inflation,
destruction of the family unit,
and inferior education for children.
Yes I saw youâd been saying that,
says God,
so I thought I ought to have a word.
When you say woke agendas,
what kind of thing do you mean?
Chantelle says,
Well, like,
great big horrible men getting a sex change and identity change so that they can be in a changing room with women and children.
And, like,
making separate wards for the Maoris in hospital.
And, like,
itâs hard to say exactly but you know it when you see it,
like, you know,
cycle lanes and using maori words for the proper English ones,
and saying you should respect gay people like theyâre all special and shoving it all down our throats,
and like being all pc about pronouns and everything.
God is quiet for a moment.
Then he says,
Chantelle, do you know that pretty much all of what you just said is what they call nonsense on stilts?
Chantelle says,
No itâs not, God,
maybe you havenât been looking butâŚ
Going to have to stop you there, Chantelle,
says God,
you know I'm omnipotent right?
For real?
asks Chantelle.
You mean, like, you have to take viagra?
No,
says God,
I mean I see everything and am everywhere.
I see it all.
That stuff about people going to all that trouble to get into changing rooms to be evil?
Not happening, just fevered imaginings.
And FYI those Maori wards are for elected councils, not hospitals.
And you know who gave the world all those different languages?
Here's a clue, look up my first book in the Bible.
And also, have a look at the books my son wrote about being kind and respecting others.
It definitely applies to gay people.
And also, I think you'll find he was in favour of cycle lanes.
Ever heard the expression Christ on a bike?
God chuckles and says,
JK, the bike bit was just a Holy Father joke.
Oh no!
Chantelle is getting a Karen look on her face!
Chantelle says,
With all due respectability, your Godness,
I think youâve fallen for legacy media lies.
They wonât tell you about the vaccine that is killing way more people than the COVID,
if in fact COVID ever killed anybody.
And they won't tell you about the inflation that's out of control because the government has to pay back all the money it borrowed for the COVID that didnât exist and itâs still borrowing heaps more to spend on co-governance and buying off the legacy media.
And the legacy media wonât tell you any of this of course.
But itâs so bad weâre going to be bankrupt by xmas my friend Sharon says.
And she knows two economists on Tinder, so she would know.
And George Sutorious loves it, he makes 2% on every loan and he gets to see the West implode.
God says quietly,
It's an interesting point you raise about the West imploding, Chantelle.
But it won't be all these pointless distracting conflicts about gender and race and wokeness that do it in.
It will be the West being the West too much.
Huh? asks Chantelle.
Capitalism, Chantelle,
says God,
fear and greed.
Lust for growth is red-lining the planet.
If you want a story about puppets pulling the strings and destroying everything,
you need to be going after a whole different bunch of people.
Wait, what?
asks Chantelle.
But the room is dark once more,
just the light of the TV flickering
on a packet of Toffee Pops.
