The inbox is open. ASK UNCLE DAVE

The inbox is open. ASK UNCLE DAVE

Hi Uncle Dave,

What do spin doctors do?

Judith

Hi Judith,

Some people believe a spin doctor has super-evil powers of media manipulation that can make a reporter or a broadcaster putty in their hands.

So if you had a party that had become completely unelectable you would hire a spin doctor and they would do their evil genius work and you would come roaring back into power.

Dave

Thanks Dave

Just as a matter of curiosity, where would you find a person like that or maybe get their phone number?

Judy

Oh they don’t exist, Judy, it’s just a story people come up with to make themselves feel better when they can't get an interview, or can’t come up with an idea for a column, or can’t win an election.

Dave

Hi Dave

I was reading that cartoon you linked to yesterday and it said about 7,000 people run more than 4 rental properties, and that would be possibly half of all the rental properties in the country and that about 1.4 million New Zealanders live in rental housing.

I was just wondering, if 1.4 million people would be in favour of a better deal for renters and only 7,000 might spit the dummy, couldn’t you get a bit braver, politically speaking?

Chloe

Hi Chloe,

You’d think so eh. One explanation might be that there could be another, let's say, 200,000 voters owning fewer than four properties. But even then, the numbers are still pretty compelling. Bear in mind, though, this government is not so much a great white shark of the deep as Nemo quivering in the anemones.

Dave

Hi Dave,

I just saw old mate Russel Norman on Twitter going off about berms. He said:

It is incomprehensible that in Auckland if you use the berm to grow food or flowers then Auckland Transport⁩ will take drastic action to remove it; but if you park a two tonne double cab ute on the berm AT will do absolutely nothing

Has Comrade been smoking the wild stuff or something? That can't be right can it?

Michèle

Hi Michèle,

Actually it really is. You can read the whole sorry explanation here, where Greater Auckland reports:

A citywide free-for-all of berm-parking goes almost entirely unenforced – despite complaints – whereas one complaint about a beautiful garden gets an instant crackdown.

Dave


Hi Dave

I call bullshit frankly. You told me that spin doctors aren't real, but my junior staffer did some researching and he says the government has 42 gazillion spin doctors on the payroll. What's the story Dave are you feeding me bull? You’re not one of the jolly spin doctors are you?

Judith Again


Hi Judith,

Where did you get the 42 gazillion figure from? 

Dave

Hi Dave

From the government  itself, smartypants. They reported just how many  communication people they're employing, and honestly it makes your head spin, or at least your eyeballs.

Judith

Hold on, Judith is it communication people or spin doctors?

Dave

Well it’s all the same isn’t it?

Judith

Actually it really isn't, Judith. Most of those jobs are people running websites, and  setting up advertising campaigns, and answering your OIA requests and compiling statistics, and, well, the things that happen in marketing and communications in what people like to call the real world.

An actual spin doctor is a pretty rare beast, the kind you read about in Dirty Politics. Do you have a copy?

Dave



Guten tag Uncle Dave

I write from Buenos Aires where I have lived in quiet anonymity for many years, and I simply wish to ask, what news of fascism, how does it fare these days?

Danke, Herman

Hello Herman,

Earlier this week Tucker Carlson, the American broadcaster who identifies as a democrat and patriot, took himself off to Hungary and gushed:

If you care about Western civilization and democracy and families, and the ferocious assault on all three of those things by the leaders of our global institutions, you should know what is happening here right now

Hungary is in fact enjoying a slow strangulation of its democracy under an authoritarian regime, so there’s your temperature check. And if you're worried that this is just some bizarre exception, rest assured it is not. Here's something to look forward to later this month.

Hello Dave,

Mostly I just do my best to be our party spokesperson on the so-called climate crisis but I really hit pay dirt this week when I said we should have a referendum on whether New Zealand should be called Aotearoa. And that gave me so much confidence I went a step further and said the name Aotearoa should be banned from all official documents. 

Stu

Thanks Stu. Do you have a question?

Dave

No, I just want everyone to know I'm getting this awesome awesome coverage and I don't even have a spin doctor.

Stu

Hi Dave,

I was just reading that Four of the top ten most nitrate-polluted rivers IN THE WORLD are in New Zealand and I thought that can't be right but then I saw the source was Mike Joy and I thought holy crap what are we going to do about it. What are we going to do about it, Dave?

Chloe

Hi Chloe

We could make big changes. But as the Federated Farmers boss told the radio this morning if we stop farming here, it’ll just happen in other countries that are worse, so we don't want to get too carried away.

Dave

Yeah but Dave that's what they always say, that they're doing as much as they can and we shouldn’t get carried away and meanwhile nothing changes and do you think they even get how miserable things are going to be for our grandchildren?

Chloe

Hi Chloe

I’m going to say: no. 

Dave


Hey Dave

I was driving to work this morning and saw all these people with banners saying DON’T GET VACCINATED YOU WILL DIE and apparently these people aren’t complete swivel-eyed fuckwits, some of them are doctors or something so they must have a clue, and I'm wondering should I still get the vaccine?

Nervous in Northcote


Hey NN,

Just read this.

Dave

Hey Dave,

I keep reading stuff about Mansplainer this and #MeToo that and I’m wondering: are we that bad really, Men? Or does the fairer sex just not understand?

Sean

Hi Sean,

I’m going to give you a link to study, and read out slowly to yourself, and can I just ask you to do that ten times before you touch the keyboard?

Dave

Hi Dave,

I know you don't come on our TV programme any more and DGAF TBH mate. But I came up with this crack-up line today and I wanted you to hear it.

Ready?

If the Prime Minister can intervene and make a decision to give the Mongrel Mob $2.75 million for meth rehab, surely she or her senior ministers can - and should - get involved here.

Good eh.

Duncan


Hi Duncan

But that's so much of a misrepresentation you might as well call it a lie.

Dave

Jesus Dave, 

You really know how to take the fun out of it don’t you.

Duncan


Hi Dave,

What was happening a hundred years ago today?

Harold


Hi Harold,

Here’s what the Auckland Star was reporting on August 5, 1921, and what a lyrical piece of work it is!

Dave


A NIGHT ESCAPE

FROM HUNTLY LOCK-UP

PRISONER REMOVES BARS

THROUGH STORM ON RAILWAY TRUCK 

“Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage." So sang young Wedal Ernest Lowe at Huntly last night as he leapt lightly through the window of the local lock-up to freedom.

Lowe was remanded to the Huntly Police Court on a charge of theft, and yesterday was escorted by the polite to the mining township and handed over to the care of the sergeant in charge there.

The young man was given a warm tea after his cold journey from Auckland, and left with numerous blankets to ensure a snug night's repose. He spread his bed, but he slept not on it, for a curious inspection of his cell filled him with a strong distaste of its narrow dimensions. So he ate his tea, the while he saw visions of the gay metropolis he had left so much against his will that chill winter's morning. Then he became industrious, to such good purpose that two iron bars were removed from the horizontal to the perpendicular. There followed the smashing of the glass window—and Lowe went out once more to the open spaces.

The escapee lost no time in making his way to the railway yard, where he found a freight train bound for Auckland just about to start. He climbed aboard a truck, and crouched low as the train passed out of Huntly.

The night was dark and cold, but young Lowe stayed shivering in his truck as the hours wore on, and it was a soaked and wretched fugitive who crawled from his hiding place when the train neared Auckland.

But Lowe’s spell of freedom was as brief as it was unpleasant. This morning he was picked up in the Mt. Eden Road by Detective Meiklejohn, and after having been lunched at the expense of the Government, he was sitting down in a nice warm room at police headquarters narrating his experiences of the night whilst the detective took it all down on his typewriter.