1. What surprising turn did Allbirds take this week?
a. Threatened to block the Strait of Hormuz
b. Threatened to blockade Nike
c. Added a digicam to their shoes
d. Pivoted to AI
2. Trump posted an AI image depicting himself as what?
a. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Trump
b. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Trump but without the Mexican name
c. Mephistopheles
d. Epstein but without the smile
3. Audiences have been greatly enjoying the ATC production Helen Clark in Six Outfits, following a journey from Waikato farm girl to Prime Minister. What play might tell the story of the current one?
a. Six Stuffed Suits About to Pop
b. Six KPIs To Remember
c. Six Habits of Highly Ineffective Prime Ministers
d. Waiting For Sod-All
4. Roughly how much of total council spending in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch goes on bloody cycleways?
a. About a fricken quarter, I reckon
b. Not as much as that — more like 10%?
c. Nearer to 5%
d. Struggles to even make 1%
5. How long ago did Rangitoto erupt?
a. Around the same time as Tarawera
b. Around the same time as the Renaissance
c. Around the same time as the dinosaurs
d. Around the same time our fowls were stolen
6. “NZ in good position,” says PM. Which one?
a. Seddon
b. Massey
c. Holyoake
d. Helen Clark in Six Swanndris
7. What evidence did Mike Hosking adduce this week for the contention that the rest of the world thinks we’re a joke?
a. Christiane Amanpour
b. New York Times op-ed
c. Vox pop in Dubai Airport
d. One of their kids overseas
8. What lie did Simeon Brown make this week about Labour?
a. They’ve got JK Rowling in the basement of a pizza parlour and they’re trying to transition her, the sick bastards
b. They’ve got Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in a basement and they’re trying to make him a socialist, the sick evil bastards
c. They’ve got secret plans to tax us every way to Christmas, the evil taxing bastards, and I’ve caught them out failing to conceal it from my great big lawyer brain
d. They’re ugly and their mother dresses them funny
9. What Attenborough scene best describes Luxon’s current situation?
a. Turtle crossing busy beach during nesting season
b. Polar bear stranded on shrinking ice floe
c. Gazelle blissfully unaware of the cheetah
d. Gazelle trying to pretend cheetahs aren’t real
10. New evidence rather strongly suggests Bill Sutch was what?
a. A plushie
b. A spy
c. A JAFA
d. A slave to the rhythm
Answers
1. What surprising turn did Allbirds take this week?
d. Pivoted to AI
Worth noting that this is vulture capitalism at work; a pivot by the people who bought up the distressed assets of AllBirds for pennies in the dollar last month, not the ones who used to run it and make nice shoes.
Here’s hoping it’s not the end of the nice shoes.
Here’s also hoping AI is not the end of us.
2. Trump posted an AI image depicting himself as what?
a. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Trump
Even for a guy who lies as readily as the rest of us breathe, that bit about I thought it showed me as a doctor was some breathtaking bullshit. Unless of course, he really is too lazy to ever bother listening properly to anything :
Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough!
I hear that Trump is there right now.
3. Audiences have been greatly enjoying the ATC production Helen Clark in Six Outfits, following a journey from Waikato farm girl to Prime Minister. What play might tell the story of the current one?
Give yourself four tickets to ATC for whatever answer you chose, everyone’s always a winner at Auckland Theatre Company, it’s always a splendid night out.
4. Roughly how much of total council spending in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch goes on bloody cycleways?
d. Struggles to even make 1%
The numbers across one consistent year (2023/24 actuals):
- Auckland Group: $6.7B opex + $3.9B capex = ~$10.6B total / $69m cycling = 0.65%
- Wellington: $948m opex + $489m capex = ~$1.44B total / $11.5m cycling = ~0.8%
- Christchurch: $1.135B opex + $706m capex = ~$1.84B total / $20m cycling = ~1.1%
5. How long ago did Rangitoto erupt?
b. Around the same time as the Renaissance
6. “NZ in good position,” says PM. Take a guess which one.
b. Massey
7. What evidence did Mike Hosking adduce this week for the contention that the rest of the world thinks we’re a joke?
d. One of their kids overseas
Again with the eye-rolling because a weather warning was not followed by a cataclysm. Clearly this glib smug reckons-giving is a game for the whole family
8. What lie did Simeon Brown make this week about Labour?
d. They’ve got secret plans to tax us every way to Christmas, the evil taxing bastards, and I’ve caught them out failing to conceal it from my great big lawyer brain
Jesus, Simeon, you say “tax” like it’s a bad thing. The rest of it was just the usual bad-faith twisting of words about capital gains tax, and also tax in general, that were just a bit of reflective observation. To be fair, though someone so little given to reflection or thought as Simeon might well find an encounter with such things quite alien and scary.
9. What Attenborough scene best describes Luxon’s current situation?
I reckon both of these fit:
b. Polar bear stranded on shrinking ice floe
d. Gazelle trying to pretend chetahs aren’t real
Excited to learn if we are about to get a Prime Minister Bishop. Also excited to learn if the lolly jar is going to be swapping from green jellybeans to yellow ones.
10. New evidence rather strongly suggests Bill Sutch was what?
b. A spy
And now heeeeere’s Grace
